


I Know I Just Can't Stay

by Souliebird



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dreams vs. Reality, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, dream - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9255704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Souliebird/pseuds/Souliebird
Summary: And when he goes to sleep at night, he knows thathewill be waiting there for him, with those warm brown eyes and soft smile.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Unplugged version of Eric Clapton's 'Tears In Heaven.'
> 
> A special thanks to  Onyx_Stars  for betaing for me and listening to me ramble about stories.

Sugawara’s eyes fluttered open, blinded briefly by the intense white light around him. It took him a few moments to adjust, then he saw he was standing once again at the park only a few roads down from his house. His hand went up to his chest, curling into the fabric over his heart, trying to stop the ache that radiated through him. Part of him wanted to turn and run, to close his eyes and disappear from this place. It hurt too much to be here, the wound was still too raw, curling around his every thought. But the larger part of him wanted to never leave this place. He stayed where he stood, unable to move.

There was a hint of wind, enough to ruffle his hair, but it wasn’t cold, despite the snow on the ground. Suga dipped his chin down, a pained, but fond smile coming to his lips. “Impatient.” He whispered to the powder at his feet. His heart cracked inside his chest, but Suga took in a deep breath and began to move forward.

He knew where to go; the first time the light had brought him here, it had been instinct that had guided him through the playground and across the field to the lone oak tree in the park, but now he understood that was where he needed to be. 

It was where he was waiting. 

Suga’s breath caught in his chest at the sight of him, like it did every time. That soft smile, the warm brown eyes, everything about him made Suga’s lungs burn and tears gather in the corners of his eyes. They began to spill down his cheeks as Suga felt himself begin to fall apart. His feet moved him faster, almost into a jog. He needed to get to him, to catch him before he disappeared into nothingness. 

He was sitting against the tree this time and held his hand out for Suga to take when he got close enough. Suga eagerly took it, lacing their fingers together before falling to his knees beside him. 

“Daichi,” Suga breathed out, his voice catching. 

“Suga,” Daichi replied, still smiling, though a tad bit sadder. He reached up and gently cupped Suga’s cheek with his free hand, running his thumb over the skin there. “There is no need to cry.” 

Suga inhaled sharply, then gave a watery chuckle. “I know,” He whispered. Daichi told him every time to not cry, and he never listened. How could he? Instead, he leaned into the other’s hand, closing his eyes at how firm it felt under him. “But today was hard.” 

“I know, I am sorry,” Daichi started, opening his mouth to say more, but Suga smacked him hard on the chest. His lips parted in surprise at the pure look of pain in Suga’s eyes. He ran his thumb along Suga’s cheek, a poor attempt at comforting him, 

“Don’t you dare apologize,” Suga whispered, more tears threatening to spill, “What have I told you about apologizing, Sawamura Daichi?”

“So much I can’t really remember all of it,” Daichi said, his smile dropping just slightly before perking back up. “Can I apologize for that?” 

“No.” 

They were silent a minute before Daichi gently pulled Suga towards him, so his head was resting against Daichi’s shoulder, their hands still clasped between them. Suga squeezed Daichi’s fingers tightly. He wanted to hold on and never let go, and he didn’t know how to convey that except to keep squeezing until his knuckles were white. He put his everything into it, all the pain and grief he had been feeling, all of the tears he had shed, he put all of it into holding onto Daichi. 

“Do you need to talk about it?” His best friend asked, already knowing the answer. Suga nodded and pushed himself back so he could properly look at Daichi, but couldn’t find his voice. He swallowed the lump in his throat a few times before managing to finally gather it, as weak and raspy as it was. 

“They had to move everything outside,” Suga started. Daichi started to rub his thumb over Suga’s knuckles, encouraging him. It just made him want to cry more. “I mean...I expected a few people. I know Hinata had mentioned Nekoma was coming, but I didn’t...Daichi,” his voice caught on a half sob again, “there were so many people. Seijoh, Datekou, Shiratorizawa, Johzenji, Tokonami, Fukuroudani, Ubugawa, and Shinzen. They all came. I don’t think Takeda-sensei knew what to even do. We didn’t have enough room in the auditorium. There were so many people and it was just..so much.” Suga rubbed at his cheeks with his free hand, pushing away the tears that had begun to steadily stream. “And it was supposed to be a clear day, you know? But right as it started...Daichi… right as it started, it started to snow.” 

Suga had to stop, ducking his head as his shoulders started to shake with the sobs threatening to escape. Daichi was patient, allowing Suga to squeeze his hand tightly as he needed to. It just made him want to break down more. He struggled to breath, everything wanting to come out as a gasp or a whimper. The tears were hot on his cheeks, dripping down to his chin and into the bright white snow they were sitting on. Unusually bright white, like it had been earlier in the day. His heart panged more. 

“That wasn’t fair, Daichi,” Suga said eventually, “It was a cheap move.”

“It wasn’t my doing,” Daichi said honestly, his voice barely a whisper, “I wouldn’t want you to cry anymore than you already have. Any of you.” 

“We all cried.” Suga whispered back. He slapped at Daichi’s stomach, no force behind it. “I am not a pretty crier, Daichi. Tanaka is not a pretty crier. And oh gods, Daichi. Daichi. Kiyoko should never cry. Never, it just wasn’t..Daichi.” He knew his words were incoherent but it did not matter. Daichi understood. He pulled Suga closer, turning so he could envelope him in a tight one armed hug. 

“I’m sorry, Koushi.”

“Don’t,” Suga croaked, weakly smacking Daichi’s chest over and over, “Don’t apologize. Don’t you ever apologize. You can’t...you idiot, you can’t.” His hand landed over Daichi’s heart, then he held on tightly to his shirt, curling his fingers into it until it threatened to rip. His entire being was shaking with how much he needed to hold onto Daichi. “You can’t make it right. Don’t apologize.” 

“I know.”

Daichi held him close and began to rock them very slowly side to side as Suga sobbed against him. He had been holding back all day, trying to be strong for everyone else, but now, here, in Daichi’s arms, he could let everything out. And he did, crying until no more tears would come.

“Tell me about the volleyballs.” Daichi murmured into Suga’s ear. Suga squeezed his stinging eyes shut, fearful he'd start to cry all over again.

“I don't….I don't know whose idea that was. I don't know if they all coordinated or if it was a coincidence. I don’t even...I didn’t understand it,” Suga mumbled, his voice shaky. “We just...needed to get away from everyone else, all of us, the team, and we just. All ended up at the gym. Then suddenly Ushiwaka and the rest of the Shiratorizawa team were walking towards us. And he came up to Ukai and handed him a volleyball and bowed. And we were so confused Daichi, all of us. Even Tanaka couldn't say anything. We didn’t understand.” Suga leaned back and looked up at his best friend. “Then Datekou did it, and Johzenji, and...just all of them. All the captains handing volleyballs to Ukai, one after another, without saying a word. Until...until it was just Oikawa…”

Suga swallowed thickly, the overwhelming emotion he was feeling starting to contort into anger. Anger at the memory, at the circumstances, of all the things he was repressing. 

“He couldn't do it.” Suga’s voice started to get high, frantic and upset. “He was just...standing there staring at me. He couldn't do anything! I wanted to...I wanted to scream at him to leave. He had...I...Daichi, I didn't want him there. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair! Why was he there, Daichi?!” Suga’s hand started to shake. He wanted to hit Daichi again, slam his fist into his chest, but it was pointless. It was all so pointless. Nothing could be done,so Suga just held on to him tighter. 

“Why was he there when you weren't?” 

Daichi leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Suga’s. “It's not his fault, Koushi.”

“Yes, it is. If he had...if he had been watching where he had been walking. If he had been..if he had…”

“If the driver hadn't been going so fast, if the light had turned red a little sooner, if I had pulled instead of pushe-”

“Don't you dare blame yourself, Sawamura Daichi!” Suga screamed, pushing himself to sit up straight so he could glare at Daichi. More tears fell from his eyes, so much Suga could barely see the teenager in front of him. All of the anger Suga gelt at himself and at Oikawa was briefly redirected towards Daichi. Guilt instantly filled him and Suga choked out a sob. 

“Then don't blame him, Suga. He already blames himself enough.” 

Daichi’s hand came up to cup Suga’s cheek again. He rubbed his thumb there, brushing away the tears streaking his skin. He said nothing, but the action said enough. Suga pushed the anger back down, letting the grief and hurt take over instead, until his heavy breathing was replaced by watery hiccups.

“Iwaizumi gave Ukai the ball?” Daichi prompted, trying to get Suga to go back to the story. 

Suga nodded slightly. “Oikawa couldn't do it.” He closed his eyes, trying to gather himself for what was to come next. He had cried so much at the time, and now, recounting it, the pain felt worse.“Then we...the team...we went into the gym and we...I don't even remember, Daichi. I think we all just stood there until….”

“Until Ennoshita spoke up.”

Suga cracked his eyes open, looking at Daichi through his lashes. “You were watching…”

“Tell me anyways.”

“Ennoshita said he didn't think he could wear the number one jersey next year.” Suga whispered, closing his eyes again as fresh tears began to fall. “He said...he didn't think anyone should. Not for Karasuno. Not after you. We all...agreed.”

There was a soft pressure against his forehead, Daichi leaning against him once more. “You retired my jersey?”

“Yeah…”

“You know, technically, the season was ove-”

“It was your number, Daichi. Everyone agreed. No one ever wore it like you did.” 

“Koushi…” There was a puff of air against Suga’s cheek; not hot or cold. Just simply a pressure. It made his heart ache. He wanted the warmth of his breath against him. He wanted to feel something more than pressure from Daichi; the heat of Daichi’s skin again his, the smell of the musky body wash he used, the feeling that curled into Suga’s belly when Daichi threw back his head and laughed. Suga wanted all of it, all of whatever Daichi had to offer him. He missed it and it hurt so much, more than anything Suga had ever felt in his life. Most of all he just missed his best friend. He missed Daichi.

“I don't want to wake up.” Suga whispered, moving his hand from Daichi’s chest to wrap around his shoulder, hugging him as tight as he possibly could. “I don't want to wake up and you not be there. We were supposed to graduate together, Daichi. We were going to go to university, share a dorm, put off doing homework together! We were going to go to the beach for summer break! We saved up all that money so we could be at that hotel we read about! The stupid tourist one with the sea shell motif! You promised we'd finally fly a kite!”

“Because they were sold out of kites when we went when we were first years…” Daichi said into his hair. “And it rained last year.”

“You promised, Dai… you promised.”

“I know.”

“I don't want to wake up.” Suga repeated. “Let me stay here…” Let him stay here in this park, without cold or heat ,surrounded by nothingness; he would do it if it meant he could just stay with Daichi. He would give it all up just to stay in Daichi’s arms for a little bit longer. 

“You can't do that, Suga.” Daichi’s thumb stroked his cheek. “You have to wake up and live and smile. Smile until it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to see you smile.”

“I don't think I can anymore.” 

“Yes, you can,” Daichi hummed, “One day, you'll smile and it will be real and beautiful and it won't hurt. And then you'll smile more and more until your cheeks hurt from it. And then I'll know.”

“Know what?” Suga whispered, scared of the answer.

“That you'll be okay,” Daichi smiled at him, warm and bright and it hurt so much Suga sobbed again. “But until then, I'll be right here. Every night, I'll be right here, and here. Always here.” Their joined hands moved up, so they were resting over Suga’s heart. “And...I almost forgot.” Daichi pulled back just slightly, enough for Suga to see the blush over his cheeks. It made Suga’s heart pound in his chest, so many emotions flaring up at once. He loved to see Daichi blush, it looked so good on him, but it hurt, because he knew, Suga knew it wasn’t real. His heart had to be beating for him to be able to blush.

“What?”

“I...had something for you. I can't do it properly now, but if you want it, it is yours.” Daichi averted his eyes a moment before looking back to Suga, his warm eyes softening. “It was stupid, honestly. I was going to give it to you at graduation and tell you…” He trailed off and Suga’s heart felt like it stopped in his chest. He knew what Daichi wanted to tell him. They had all known, anyone who had ever seen them together knew. He didn’t want to hear it now, not when there was a lack of warmth in Daichi’s touch. But Suga’s lips moved on their own.

“Tell me what?”

“That I love you. Properly tell you I love you, Sugawara Koushi.”

Suga ducked his head and sobbed, his entire body shaking with it. Sawamura Daichi had loved him. Suga had loved him for so, so long that it felt like it had always been inside of him. And Daichi had known it, Suga had told him, over and over, but Daichi had not been ready to say the words himself. Or he had, but had wanted to do something grand for Suga’s sake. Grand and goofy and so very Daichi that Suga felt like he was going to throw up his heart. 

“Daichi…”

Daichi’s fingers tightened around Suga’s, his voice serious and low as he spoke.. “Promise me you'll never wait to tell anyone that, Suga. Promise me.”

“Daichi, I -” Suga shook his head, not wanting to hear the words. He didn’t want to love anyone else. He didn’t want to wake up so he could; he wanted to stay here with Daichi forever.

“Yes, you will. You'll love someone else. And when you realize it, you need to tell them, okay?”

Suga squeezed his eyes shut, hot tears pouring from them. He’d promise anything for the man in front of him, even if he didn’t want to do it. “I promise, Daichi.”

He felt the sweet, sweet pressure of lips on his forehead. “Thank you. It's in my desk drawer, in my room.” Suga couldn’t help but scoff with surprise, at the words and how easily Daichi’s voice had gone back to their sweet gentleness. 

“Of course it is,” Suga mumbled. Daichi had anyways hidden everything in his desk drawer. It was the worst, most obvious hiding spot. It was so very Daichi it made Suga smile. 

He leaned against his best friend, almost boyfriend. They had been so close, so close, and now it could never be. It could never be because Daichi was dead and this was all a dream. Suga curled his fingers into Daichi’s shirt, the beautiful navy blue one Suga had always thought he looked best it. More proof it was a figment of his mind and he was hearing the words he wanted to here. Daichi was gone, and he would never be able to tell Suga he loved him. He’d never be around to listen to Suga ramble about things he already knew. They’d never fly kites or share a real first kiss. 

Suga wanted to be in his dream forever, where he could at least pretend Daichi was still with him.

But he knew he couldn’t stay.

“And you need to wake up now, Koushi.”

“I don't want to.”

“I know. But your mother is calling you.” Daichi pulled back and Suga opened his eyes, heartbreaking all over again at the sight of Daichi’s smile. “I'll be waiting right here.”

“Do you promise?”

“On my life.”

Suga punched him in the stomach, “That's not funny, Daichi!”

But Daichi laughed anyways, throwing his head back for a moment. “It was pretty funny, Suga.” He closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them again, they were full of softness and love. “I promise I'll be here, Koushi.”

Suga nodded, then slowly pushed himself up into standing, not wanting to start the ritual of waking up.

“I love you, Daichi. I always loved you.”

“I love you too.”

Suga hesitated before shutting his eyes, Daichi’s smile taking up his vision. 

When he opened them again, he was staring at his ceiling. He could hear his mother down the hall calling for him. 

It was drowned out by a soft tapping to his right. Suga slowly turned his head, his eyes widening and heart skipping a beat at the sight between his curtains.

A crow was right against his window, rubbing its beak against the glass. He locked gaze with the bird, throat going dry. It was impossible for a bird to be sitting right outside his window. There wasn't a tree or bush for it to perch on, so it would have to have been standing directly on his window to be staying up. There would be no reason for a bird to be at his window. Unless...

The crow winked at him before taking off just as Suga’s mother knocked on his door, disappearing into the horizon. 

“Koushi, it's time to get up!” 

“Yes, mo-” Suga’s voice died in his throat as he sat up and turned to face his door. 

A black crow feather was sitting on his second pillow. He reached for it with shaking fingers, convinced it would disappear when he touched it. When it didn't, he picked it up stared at it. It was real, barely warm, and faintly smelled like vanilla musk. He brought it to his chest and gently held the feather over his pounding heart. 

Maybe, just maybe, it hadn’t all been a dream. 

“You'll always be here, Daichi. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> //deadchi


End file.
